dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
