let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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