someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i've created a new STD.
50% drunk capacity currently
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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