I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
