I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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