Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
