I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
