I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
