your parents love me but you hate me
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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