My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
