Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
