My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
