sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
