your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
