i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize