Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
