Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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