I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
