Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
