im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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