I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
