Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
