My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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