Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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