I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
