Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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