I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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