I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
