I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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