Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
