Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
