just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
