I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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