This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Randomize