mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just threw up on my dentist
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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