Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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