And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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