I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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