elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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