i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize