i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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