A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
