i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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