you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
