There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize