I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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