why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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