so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
