I cannot find my penis.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
