I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
