Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
