I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
