i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
