Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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