i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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