I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
