She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
