You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
