Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
