life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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