I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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