I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
