i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
